This is a strange time for me. I've spent a very long time, most of my life, avoiding all conflict. It's much easier to just sit silently than it is to stand up, but it's clear from the Bible that we are not called to take the easy path. I initiated something, and I've had to think through a lot of things, even though my basic argument against evolution has been set for a few years now. I've simply never tried to explain my views to anyone before, much less try to make them question their own positions. This makes me vulnerable, or at least, it feels that way.

Now, logically, I know that I'm not vulnerable, because I am called to be firm and courageous, and after doing everything that I can, I am to stand. Not to sit down or rest, not to give in, but to stand firm. God does not call us to do things that are impossible, so I must be able to do this, but I keep hitting the same problem: I'm a stubborn little fool.

You see, I know why I hold the positions that I do, because I've thought through all of them, to the extent that people often tell me that I over-think things. Of course, I don't agree with them, but that's mostly because there isn't a different option. My brain is too powerful to avoid thinking about everything, and I actually do most of my intellectual mulling in my subconscious mind, as evidenced by the repeated epiphanic thoughts that keep arising from the depths in the same manner as the common phenomenon of suddenly remembering that word, song title, or piece of information that you needed a while ago. The subconscious is searching through your memories to find it, just as my subconscious flips through the facts I've acquired and the logical patterns that I've applied to other things then presents me with a conclusion that is almost always spot on, though often uncomfortable for me to take.

The point? I'm not a mindless slave to any belief system, divine or secular. I have a brain, and while I hold the Bible to be completely true, I also seek a deeper understanding of the world around me, in the true scientific manner. (I refer to the original nature of science before Christianity was torn from it. Find a dictionary over 150 years old and look it up. You may be surprised.) I know what I believe and why. I have no reason to doubt myself.

Yet, here I am, sitting alone and wondering if I'm wrong. I know that the majority doesn't define anything, and that just like lemmings, humans can allow peer pressure lead them to awful conclusions and actions. (See studies on group think and indirect violence under pressure.) I can't switch positions merely because a bunch of people are doing it. Broad is the path that leads to destruction and narrow is the path that leads to salvation. The fact that it feels like the world is against me is a sign that I am on the right path.

So, what's the issue? Remember that stubbornness thing I mentioned?

Yeah. Guess who does not enjoy submitting to God's divinity, control, plan, and general superiority over me. This lady. Being so intelligent does give me feelings of superiority, I admit, but I know that even if I were the smartest person alive now, I am not smarter than my Creator. The pot will never surpass the potter. Likewise, I can't see what's coming ahead, but He can. I can't control the world around me or the choices that others make, but He can reshape the hearts of men and women and change the world if He desires. I have known for a while that I am guilty of idolatry, more specifically, that I worship myself. Sure it's not vanity or even elevated self-image, I simply wish to believe that I am the most capable of making decisions about my future, that I know myself best, and that I deserve to control my life.

I am setting myself up to be a goddess, and it's wrong.

As I sit here, I'm getting the distinct impression that I won't be free from my doubts and fears until I let go of my supposed control and accept the place that I am meant to be. God created me to serve Him, not to selectively ignore commands, avoid His counsel, and follow my own path. Fighting against this can only lead to frustration, pain, fear, anger, shame, guilt, and pretty much every other emotion that can separate me from God further. Think about it; someone feeling any of those things is instinctively driven away from the strongest proof of their imperfection, God.

I tried my best, and through every challenge, I pushed myself harder, but all along, I have still been deceived. This was not obedience. Trying to do things by myself instead of allowing God to fulfill His role, choosing my own path instead of accepting His, and in general being too stubborn and arrogant to even see what I've done, it's all been wrong. I am a failure. I am human.

I suppose that this is my Icarus moment. I tried to gain God's position and power for myself, without even realizing it, and I have ultimately failed. The scariest part is that this is precisely what Lucifer did too. I suppose that the difference is in what happens at the moment of realization and choice. He knew what he was doing and sought it consciously. I was trying to live a godly life through my own strength and ended up making a terrible error in the process. He did not repent and was cast down. I have no choice but to repent, because I desire to serve God with all that I am, even if I have no idea how.

*really good prayer that I can't capture for you*

Here's a closing song that has been on my mind all day: